auroraborealis's Blog

It's hard, but I'm learning.   Puck said I'm bad, very, very bad.   I can't walk or do yoga because of the boot so I started working out on a stationary recumbent bike.    On Monday I did 3.43 miles in 15 minutes.    And I've been walking all week without the cane.   And I'm paying for it.    My ankle was hurting yesterday, now it's really hurting.    I'm back to using the cane and committed to taking it easy as much as possible until the boot comes off.     I HAVE to take it easy until the boot comes off.    We have scheduled our vacation in December right after it's supposed to come off.   If I don't take it easy, I'll have to wear it on vacation and I definitely DON'T want that!

So last night I stayed quiet, stayed in bed and just made Puck cards.    A couple of them didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped, the glue kind of smeared a bit in places, but I'm giving them to him anyway.   They don't have to be perfect, they just have to say "I'm thinking about you and I love you with all my heart."   And they definitely do.   He loves my cards.

My mother raised me to be a lady and taught me to cook, bake, can, sew, knit, crochet, embroider, all kinds of other wonderful things.    The one thing that I've never done, though, is quilt.    I'm kind of afraid to start one.    It's an awful lot of work and a very daunting task, but I'm starting to consider making one for Puck as a wedding present.    Something intricate that shows my love, dedication and commitment to him.   Something which, for the rest of his life he can wrap himself up in and feel loved.   While I was typing this out I found the perfect pattern.   It's definitely not for beginners, but it is gorgeous.   I'm staring at this quilt wondering if I can really do this!!   I've got nothing at all to lose by trying, and everything to gain by succeeding.

My favorite thing about the world is that it's filled with endless possiblities!!!   I want to try as many of them as I can before I leave.

I've got buckets and buckets of it!    I'm going to drive Puck up a wall if I'm not careful.   I know he's totally happy but, but, but, I wanna make him HAPPIER!!!   I love doing things for him, giving him little gifts, making him cards.   I'm drowning him in cards right now.   I love making him silly, whacky, abstract, playful and beautiful cards.    I just love doing everything I can every single day to show him how much I love him.

I'm free with him.   Totally free.   I share everything with him.   There is total trust between us.   I am so safe with him.   So completely and totally accepted.   Something I could never have imagined before.    He's my missing piece.    He gives me this warm, glowy feeling in my belly.   I'm relaxing, healing and readjusting to a new sense of "normal."

I'm so glad I have my blog, I'm so glad that I have so much documented.    In a few years, there is the possiblity that my new normal could start to feel boring.    I don't ever want to forget where I've been because I don't ever want to forget how much Puck has brought into my life.   How much he's changed it.    I don't ever want to take him or his love for granted.      My number one prioity is to always be grateful for his love, every single day for the rest of my life, and to take time every single day to appreciate just how amazing, wonderful and beautiful he is.

Gratitude and appreciation are the secrets to true happiness.   I am so fortunate for all of the experiences in my life that have brought me to that realization, and so fortunate that I came to that realization while I'm still young enough to do something with it.   Every single day I'm going to work at both so that I never lose sight of them and always have buckets full of happy sitting around just in case anyone else needs any.

I've had a crush on Puck since May.   The first time I saw him I was like "wow!"   I tried hitting on him a couple of times back then, but he kind of brushed me off.   I was nursing a crush on him all summer.   I thought he blew me off in August--he didn't, it was just miscommunication.   Not only am I completely infatuated with him, but I have fallen madly, passionately, completely, utterly head over heels in love with him.   I love him, I adore him and I cherish him with all that I am.    And he feels the exact same way about me.   

I keep waiting for the punch line.    This is me we're talking about.    No one loves me.  No one.   Not romantically, anyway.   Not that there's anything wrong with me.   I've just always had very bad luck.    I've never had a relationship before.   I was married, but that was just a thing... then it was a marriage.... and then it was over.   This is my first real relationship.    The first time I've ever used the word boyfriend.   He's a lot of firsts.   And a lot of lasts.   My last first kiss.   The last thing I think about every night before I drift off to sleep.

We're coming up on three months and it still feels like a dream.    I never, ever, in a million years would have guessed that I had a chance with him.    I was sick, my self-esteem was through the floor, I felt horrible about myself.    I never could have imagined that I would turn out to be the love of his life.   I'm still in shock.    It's totally unbelievable.

I'm letting Puck in and letting him help me.    Puck is exactly what I need in my life.   Exactly.    I have had this big ball of anger in my chest that has been building for a long time.    I try very, very hard never to take my anger out on anyone else, so I've just been hanging on to it.    Puck is helping me unwind it.

It comes from two places.    First, I don't like people's attitudes.   DB acted like he was doing me this huge favor by allowing me to talk to him.    Where the hell does he get off treating me like that?    His arrogance infuriated me.   My ex believes that if you are kind to people that it makes you less of a person, so he refuses to be kind.    He thinks he's brilliant and I'm so stupid I can't comprehend him.    And yet I end up explaining everything to him.   He's arrogant, too.    I hate the arrogance.    DB and Randy are a whole lot alike because Randy always acted like he was doing me this huge favor by allowing me to work for him.   Randy was unbelievably arrogant.   I gave it my all with all three of these guys and they all looked down on me, treated me like I was worthless.    Puck is the first guy I've ever met that doesn't treat me that way.    He treats me like I'm someone really special.    He treats me like I'm the most precious thing on earth.    He makes me cry.   He makes me feel like it isn't me, like maybe it is them, that I'm not this horrible person after all.

The other thing is that although I can be strong, brave, bold, adventurous, and I'm extremely resourceful and capable, I'm also a girly girl.     I have this soft, delicate, gentle side that I have to keep locked away.    Every time I've ever tried to be that way around a guy I've gotten ridiculed.    Puck is like this total manly man, he brings that side out in me, and he protects it.    He's tender and gentle and totally respects my softer side.   I've been trying so hard for years to not let that side of me show.   And now I've found a man that appreciates it.   It's so fantastic to be with a guy that doesn't treat me like a guy, I've never had that before.   And it's also nice that when I want to be bold and adventerous, he can accomodate that, too.    He loves all of me.

He's so patient and good with me.   He's the best friend I've ever had.    He actually cares if I'm having a bad day.   He cares when I'm tired.   He cares when I'm hurt.    That makes all the difference in the world.   I've never had anyone care before.    He not only gives me room to be me, he encourages me to be me.   He sees me, he gets me and he adores me.   I'm his princess.   I love being his princess.  

He heals me a little bit more every time I'm with him.   He doesn't rush me, he just gives me room to be me.    He is my dream.   Everything I've ever wanted in a man.     My past, my anger, my frustration, my sadness, it didn't happen overnight, and it's not going to go away overnight, either.   It's going to take some time to unwind, but the healing process has started.    Bit by bit I'm opening up, letting him in, and letting him take care of me.   I never knew love could be like this.    I'm stopping here and just letting him love me, care for me and heal me.   I need it.   I desperately need it.    Life had taken so much out of me I was on the verge of becoming a cold, bitter person.    He's putting it all back.   Filling me up with warmth and love.    He gives me so much I'm overflowing every day.    It's time to let go of the past.   I need to make a whole lot more room for him.   I'm the luckiest woman in the whole world.

Every have one of those days when you wake up and just feel like all is right with the world?   I'm so happy right now.   So completely happy.   I actually feel a bit guilty about it.   I know so many people who aren't happy and don't have the resources I do to pull themselves out of it.   But it's not like anything was ever handed to me.   I've put in the hard work and I earned everything I've got.   Years and years and years I could never rest.   There was always another mountain to climb, another obstacle to overcome, someone else who needed love and attention more than I did.    I used to feel terribly guilty about asking when it would be my turn.    I just needed a turn where I got something for a change.   And now it's finally my turn.    Everything I've given out is coming back to me in spades.   All of the love and care and attention I've put into life is finally coming back to me.   I look back on my journey and I'm proud.    Proud that I (almost) always took the high road.   I always took responsibility for my actions, made every attempt I could to right my wrongs so I wouldn't have to carry them with me.   Being open and honest about myself when what I really wanted to do was run and hide.   It was hard going through it, at times almost impossible.   But I'm at a plateau right now.   A resting point.   I can look back and see how far I've come, how much I've grown, and I'm really, really proud of myself.

This is a huge milestone in my life.   A major turning point.    Volume I is done and I'm just starting Volume II.    My life will never be the same again.   I am loved.   Fully, completely, unconditionally loved by a man I deeply love and respect.   I accomplished something.   Not just something, the greatest thing to which a human being can aspire.   The rest of our lives are going to be devoted to sharing that love with the world and bringing as much happiness to the lives of others as we possibly can.    I wish I could make everyone in the world feel as happy as I feel today.

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel “not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
 

I hit the wall last week.    Exhaustion from work and from being in pain got to me.   I was pushing as hard as I could and everyone just needed more and I started to melt a bit around the edges, but my Angel wrapped himself around me, protected me, made me feel safe and helped me through it.    Usually when I hit a point where I can't take care of absolutely everything at all times people decide I'm useless to them and ditch me.    No one has ever stayed with me, taken care of me, helped me.   I felt not good enough.   I felt like a mess.   I was terrified of him.   I needed a break but couldn't ask for one.   He understood.   He gave it to me.    He is so kind to me, and I'm so not used to kindness.   He is loving and caring and tender and gentle and good.   In the arms of my Angel I have found more comfort than I ever expected.

I'm transitioning from wanting to having.   It sounds easy, but it's not.   All my life I've wanted someone to love and cherish me, and now that I have it, I'm questioning it.    Looking for reasons it could all go wrong, asking myself "what's wrong with this picture?"   Worrying whether I will still love him in a few years.   The answer is, of course I will!!!   But it's still an uneasy feeling.    This man is such a satisfying experience.   Every day he fills me up with love.   He totally adores me and cherishs me, which I would actually find extremely annoying if I didn't feel the exact same way about him.   I plan on working at this every single day for the rest of my life.    I don't ever want to take him for granted, or get so used to being completely loved that I take it for granted.    I'm still very close to last winter, spring and summer and I still remember what it's like to feel lost and alone and without hope.    Actually, I've been on the brink of that feeling most of my life.   Being satisfied, fully satisfied in every way is such a new feeling.   It's totally unfamiliar.   It feels weird, somehow wrong.   Maybe that's why I keep looking for what's going to go wrong, just so I can get back on familiar territory.    But nothing is going to go wrong, I'm not going to let it.    I'm going to work at this relationship every day of my life.    I want happiness and satisfaction to be my new normal.

Not that life with him will be perfect, I don't expect it to be, because life never is.   It's not now.   I did, in fact, tear my achilles tendon in Alaska and I've been ignoring it and playing through the pain for a couple of months.   It got so bad last week I couldn't even put weight on my leg anymore.   I have this lovely boot that I have to wear for six to eight weeks.   The doctor said that if I keep pushing it I will tear it completely and I will have to have surgery and that will put me out of commission for a few months.    I was using crutches to get around, but I've graduated to a cane.   It still hurts a lot to put weight on it, but it's easier to use the cane to get around.

And that's SO depressing!!   I totally love this time of year.   I love being out in the woods watching the colors change.   I love cooking and baking--homemade tomato soup with freshly baked cheddar herb bread, potato cheese soup with a nice, freshly baked loaf of pumpernickle, peach cobbler, apple crisp, I love baking in the fall!!!   I'm depressed and yet, at the same time, oddly happy.

Everything worth having in life takes work.   Even though things with my Hottie are still really good, I'm still going to start getting in the habit of working at it every day to make sure they stay that way.   Happiness is my new favorite.

At the time, and in retrospect, this was my most magical day in Alaska.    Probably for all the wrong reasons, but I think this day was my favorite.   My journal entry for this day just states "Hottie, Hottie, Hottie" but I will bypass the journal and go into greater detail.

I disembarked from the ship around 7:30 in the morning and had to find something to do until 3:00 when I could check into the hotel.   My flight was leaving at six the next morning, so I had to be at the airport at five so I planned on going to bed early.    But in the meantime, I had to find something to do.   I had to cancel my hike again because of my ankle.    So I was in Juneau and had to find something to keep me occupied for over seven hours that didn't involve much movement.   I had hurt my ankle again the day before climbing up a hill after the float trip and I was in quite a bit of pain.   A whole lot of pain, actually.    This whole day had a surreal, magical quality about it and I think that was because my brain was being flooded with endorphins from the pain.   I limped around town after getting off the ship looking for somewhere I could just park my ass, but nothing opened until 9.    I walked down to the waterfront and sat under an enclosure in a park and just watched the world go by for an hour and a half.   It was very cool!    I just looked out over the water, watched the birds and the people go by and just felt at one with the world.    Shortly before nine I made my way back to the center of town and went into a bar that had internet access and pinged my Hottie, and surprise, surprise, he was there!!! I was SO excited to talk to him and tell him everything that had happened.    I still remember his reaction when I told him about getting lost and having to hitchhike back--Holy Shit!!!    That was pretty funny.     We chatted for about an hour and he had to go do something so I left the bar and wandered around and did some gift shopping.    I think I hit every gift shop on main street!   It was pretty fun looking at all of the goodies.    I went back to the bar after about an hour.   I was in horrible pain and needed to sit down.   I started ordering beers.   I hadn't eaten yet that day.   I had Guiness Stout for breakfast.   I also jumped back on the internet and chatted with the Hottie for another two or three hours.    After a while the pain subsided and I got daring again so I bid him goodbye and walked back down to the waterfront.   When I was getting off of the ship one of the crew told me to be sure to stop at this place on the wharf for some Russian dumplings.   She was totally right, they were absolutely gorgeous and totally worth the trip!!!    They filled my belly and warmed me up--not that I needed too much warming after all the beer I drank!   I poked around that building on the wharf for about an hour.   It was a dusty old warehouse.    There was this antiques shop in there that struck me as so out of place--it was a very feminine shop.    I floated through there for a while, dreaming about all of the items and where they might have come from and who their previous owners were, what they were like and why they might have purchased the items.

I slowly made my way back to the center of town, got a cab and went to the hotel, checked in, took a hot shower, crawled into bed and watched movies until I fell asleep.

That whole day had an ethereal, magical quality to it and will always be remembered as one of my favorite days ever.

Yesterday we saw all kinds of amazing wildlife!    Harbor seals, sea lions, sea otters, puffins, hump back whales, but last night was the best!   I couldn't sleep so I went up on deck to walk around and watched a pod of seven or eight orca's near by.   They hung by the side of the boat for about half an hour diving and playing.    The captain said that even for them, that's a rarity!

Today my ankle is still hurting and I had to cancel my long hike.    I just got back from my trip to Skagway and it was absolutely wonderful!!!   I love botanical gardens and I toured Jewell Gardens.   It was really gorgeous and they did this really cool thing where the garden was laid out in the design of a flower that could be seen by airplanes going in and out of the airport!    They also have a co-op and the locals pay a fee at the beginning of the season and get a crate of fresh fruit and vegetables every week through the summer.   They have a restaurant there that serves dishes made from the fresh produce from the garden, but we didn't go into the restaurant.   Instead they took us to this absolutely charming teahouse!   There were wrought iron chairs, lacy tablecloths, fine china, beautiful art on the walls.   It was absolutely lovely and a great place to warm up after being out in the gardens for an hour!    They served little treats that were incredible!    Little cucumber sandwiches, cheese and herb scones, fruit bars, carrot cake and salmon quiche that I didn't eat.    I opted to have wine instead of tea and it was delicious!

After our meal (it was supposed to be a snack, but it really was a meal!) we went to a glass blowing workshop on the grounds for a demonstration.    It was a husband and wife team and they started from scratch and created this amazing blue and green bowl.   It was so fascinating to watch.   The guy focused on making it and his wife assisted and described the process as they went.    What a talent!   I wish I could do that!

******* {that was the morning the following was that afternoon}

I signed up for this float trip down a river in Haines.   It's a rafting trip that goes through the bald eagle preserve.   Wow!! What an amazing trip!    It rained the whole time, but I didn't mind--again, good gear, I was totally comfortable.    We saw 32 bald eagles!!!    What majestic birds!   

Something my Hottie said to me yesterday reminded me that I hadn't finished my Alaska Journal.   There was a reason I stopped where I did.   I wasn't quite ready to share this entry, which has a lot less to do with Alaska than it does my Hottie, but it's even more applicable today than it was then.

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I'm lame today.   My ankle kept me up last night and I'm limping today.   I think I might have torn the tendon a bit.   We are on the boat today touring Glacier Bay National Park.   It's gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous!!   And we are seeing all kinds of cool wildlife!   Lots of pictures today!

2:30  I've been out on deck most of the day taking pictures and enjoying the scenery.    It's pouring rain out there right now.   I'm a bit chilled and my ankle really hurts so I'm enjoying some quiet time in my cabin daydreaming about my Hottie.   I miss him so SO much!   Two more days until I get to hear his voice again!   YAY!!!

To keep my mind off of the pain I keep thinking about marrying him.   I never, ever though I would get married again.   I hated the idea of getting married again, but I would marry this guy in a heartbeat!!!   It's not going to happen right away, though, we both have unfinished business in our lives, but I really think it is going to happen.   We have a lot in common, very similar values and outlooks and he's completely adorable!!!  I've only really known him for less than a week before I left, but I 've been watching him for a while--long enough to know that he's as beautiful on the inside as he is on the outside!

The first time around I got married in a courthouse in front of a judge, no family, no friends.   This time I want my dream wedding.    I want to spend the afternoon having a picnic on the beach with family and friends.   Swimming, horse shoes, volleyball, building sand castles and BBQ.    I want to get married at sunset with family and friends forming a circle around us and after that I want to make smores around a camp fire while we share stories and reminisce.    That's my dream wedding--a relaxing, fun filled day all about family, friends, fun and good memories.

There is one big problem with my Hottie, though.   He completely turns my brain to mush!!!!   I get around him and I get flustered and turn into a total ditz!   I'm afraid that if I hang around him long enough it will cause permanent brain damage, but he's totally worth the risk!!

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Post script:   Fortunately I was able to get my brain back on track after I got back from Alaska and he doesn't seem to have done any permanent damage!    I had known him less than a week when writing that.    I've now been with him two months--I just checked the calendar and it's been two months today!!!   Yay!!  Our anniversary!!!   And I'm more convinced than ever that he's the man for me.    We're perfect together.    I'm going to have my dream wedding  My dream house is his dream house, my dream location his dream location.   I completely love and adore this man.    Together we are going to go on exciting adventures, plot and carry out all sorts of random acts of kindness, build houses for Habitat for Humanity, feed hungry people,  take care of every stray that comes our way and care for every single lost soul we come across.    We are going to build a home full of love and good cheer and spend the rest of our lives making the world a better place and live happily ever after.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy!!!!

I am finally winding down this project at work.   I'm getting all of the final fussy details worked out, but everything is going really, really well.    This is a HUGE feather in my cap and will look really great on my resume!!    And I'm getting a lot of recognition at work for my efforts, which is a first.   They really appreciate everything I do here.   It's wonderful to feel appreciated!!!

Before Alaska I hadn't taken a vacation since 1993, now I'm taking two in one year!!   My Hottie has been working a lot of hours as well, and I've got a lot of comp time coming from the hours I've put in so we are planning a week long fun-in-the-sun getaway in a few weeks.   He loves adventure as much as I do, but we both totally need a break so this trip we are just going to play it low-key, relax and just spend time enjoying each other.    He is absolutely wonderful.   Everything I've ever wanted in a man!!!   It's unbelievable how perfect we are for each other.  

I'm happy, so very, very happy!!!   All of my hard work is finally paying off and my ship has come in.   I never, ever thought I would see this day, but it's finally here and I'm going to enjoy every single minute of it!!

I'm typing this out mostly to kill time.    I was in the office all day yesterday, I came home and walked five miles, and worked from 9 until 2:30.    Rosie woke me up to go out at five.   It's garbage day, her favorite day of the week, and she was very anxious to get out there and sniff.   I have to stay awake so I can take the boys to school in fourty minutes.   It's going to be a long weekend.   I have to work all weekend, but after that, things should start getting easier.    We are rolling out two clients on the software that I spent a year writing.   New servers, new technology, new code--everything is new and we are working the kinks out and converting millions and millions of records of data.

A few weeks back I hit a problem and talked my boss into hiring a contractor.   He did but I knew more than the guy they brought in!    The company apologized, refunded the money and sent out their heavy hitter.   He's been spending some time working with me and I've got a ton more knowledge about how databases work--hardcore knowledge.   I'm practically a full blown DBA now.   On top of my other skills in project management, system design and programming I'll never have any trouble ever finding a job again.    But best of all, I'm starting to love what I do again.    No more burnout.

He has taken all of my sadness and replaced it with joy.    Yeah, I'm exhausted, but I'm having fun so I don't feel it.    I don't feel heavy, or put upon, I just overjoyed.    He kept me company last night.    He's so sweet.   And kind.    And I'm SO not used to that.    He's so good to me, and he says that he's going to be even better, but I don't see how he possibly could be.   I've never had a man love me, or be kind to me, or show me any affection.    I used to feel like a black hole, like no one could ever love me enough to fill it, but it didn't take much.    I used to feel like damaged goods, like no one could ever love me.    I've always had confidence and excellent self-esteem, but the way men always treated me made me feel unloveable.    Not this one.    He makes me feel whole, complete, secure and completely and totally loved!   It's going to take a little while, we both have unfinished business in our lives, but someday we're going to be married an my happiness will be complete.    It's like a fairy tale.   After that long, hard, brutal slog there really will be a happily ever after.

I worked from 7:30 until 4:00 yesterday and then from 10 yesterday evening until 7:30 this morning.   I got a couple of hours of sleep before an 11:00 wakeup call from work.   I went in, but someone else had already solved the problem, so I went home and was going to get some sleep but I got another call and had to go back in.    I'm unbelievably tired right now.   I took something and I'm waiting for it to kick in.   

I'm so completely and totally grateful to have someone in my life who cares about me and supports me.    He says such sweet and wonderful things to me and makes me feel so special.   I've earned this.   I've put in the hard work.   Climbed every mountain, overcome every obstacle, kept the faith.   I've earned him.    He's my reward.

I've been in a funk the last couple of days.   He's warm, sweet, kind, loving, caring, gentle, supportive--I mean, what's wrong with this picture?    I'm starting to get insecure, starting to need him, need his warmth, his love.   What happens when it all goes wrong?   What happens when I get sick and he decides I'm no longer fun and kicks me to the curb?    What happens when he discovers a flaw or imperfection that doesn't suit him, how hard will he be on me?   What happens when I don't live up to his expectations, how severely will he punish me?   I'm only human, I'm not perfect 100% of the time and I fear that the moment I'm not the walls will come crashing down around me and it will all be over.    Being insecure is making me act weird, which is making me more insecure which is making me act weirder    I'm totally stressed out right now.   I'm in a feedback loop.

I don't want him coming to my rescue, though.   I don't want to put him in the position of having to give me more love and affection to make me feel better.    I mentioned my insecurities to him yesterday, but that's all I did was mention them.   I want him to be aware, but only be aware, not fix.   He gives me more warmth, love and affection than I have ever known in my life, and I want what he offers to be enough.   I want to learn to trust that when he says he love me that he means he loves me without making him prove it.   What he does every single day is proof enough.   Demanding more from him will do no good--I have to learn to accept.    Accept that he loves me, accept that even though I'm not perfect, I'm good enough.

I don't want to put him in the position of rescuing me, though, because that's not how I want to spend my time with him.   He's light, fun, joyful.   I adore those qualities in him and even though it feels good to have someone rush to our side and try to make everything better, that only makes the problem worse, creates a negative cycle where I have to drive myself into depression in order to get him to give me that rush of love.    I don't want that.    Doing that will step all over the things I love most about him.

The fear response that I'm having right now is a part of who I am.   I'm not going to run from it, I'm not going to hide it, I'm not going to deny it,  I'm not going to fight it.   I'm going to accept that it's part of who I am at this time and not make an issue out of it.   I'm feeling insecure, big deal.   Who he is is good enough, reassuring enough, loving enough and affectionate enough and I trust him.   

Actually, that's not quite true.    Trust isn't that simple.   It's built over time.    In a relationship trust is like building a sand castle in the air where the sand is constantly flowing out the bottom and you have to keep building on top just to stay in place.   In time enough sand goes out the bottom and starts to form a foundation... and then it catches up to where you are and you finally have something to build on, but that doesn't happen overnight, it happens over time.   Long periods of time.    And what I'm going through right now is a perfectly normal part of that process.    This is how I learn to trust him.    I love him so very, very much for being the kind of man I can trust.

I think that the reason I haven't liked where my other attempts have gone is that they recall the past and that's not where I want to go with this.   He isn't my past, he's my future.    He brings me so much joy, peace, love and every other good thing and I want my poem to reflect that.   I've been working on moving in a new direction with it... one involving all five senses, but I'm not sure in which direction to take it.   His love is like the perfect chocolate mousse--it's light, airy and joyful and at the same time rich, luxurious, decadent and completely satisfying.    Do I want try for something that is light and joyful and strikes a single pitch perfect note or do I go with something richer and deeper with undertones and overtones?   I adore him.   I completely and totally adore him and I may end up writing volumes of poems before I ever arrive at the perfect one, but I'm never going to stop trying.   I want to melt his heart the way he as completely melted mine.    He's gorgeous, wonderful and amazing and I am completely besotted.    Drunk with love.   I feel totally secure and completely happy and will very happily spend the rest of my life trying every combination of words in order to try to express how much his love has changed my world.