The Blog of auroraborealis

I took a page out of Maisie's playbook yesterday and invited someone from the "outside" to get to know me by reading my EP writings.    As I noted to him, it was against my better judgement, but I really have nothing to hide, so why not?    But I know it was a bad idea.    My gut says he's going to reject me.   I read over my blogs and stories last night and why wouldn't he?

Honesty is a tricky thing.   Honesty is respected, but honest people are often treated like lunatics--quite possibly because they are, I really don't know.  

Realistically I'm probably a person with a lot to hide.    A lot was put on me at a young age.   Yes, I have to take responsibility for how I reacted to it--I made some bad choices, but the point is, others got the ball rolling.    And it had a snowball effect.   I've got this big ball of issues that just gets bigger the older I get.    I don't really have a lot of problems with my issues, I have a sense of humor about them, but I do have them.    So I have issues, and I'm comfortable with them.   But that doesn't mean that anyone else will be.   Reading over my blogs objectively, I have to ask myself if I'm someone I would trust.  And the answer is no, I'm not.   I come across as whiny, unstable, reckless and suicidal.   Is that who I am?    Yes, it probably is.    But it's not who I am in my entirety.   I'm also fun, I've got a sense of humor, I'm resiliant and I'm kind and understanding.   But, for the most part, I'm not going to sit and write about those things--I blog to vent.   

Admittedly I do stupid things to prove I'm not who I think I am.   I try so hard to prove to people that I am capable that I drive myself right into the ground--only proving to them that I am, in fact, unstable.   I try so hard to make everything right everywhere all the time trying to be superwoman and try to ignore the fact that I have needs, that I end up messing everything up all over the board.

The fact is I'm human.   I'm an honest human.   For better or worse, this is who and what I am.   I made informed choices and have few regrets.    I've made mistakes but gone to great lengths to make amends and clear my conscience.    This is who I am, and if no one can accept me for it than I accept that.   If there is a price to be paid for being honest, I'm willing to pay it.

I think that's why people aren't more honest--honesty does come with a price and most people simply aren't willing to pay that price.    One really nice thing about having a ginormous ball of issues rolling around after me is that I have something convenient to climb on when I need to get some perspective.

Honesty does come with a price, and I am willing to pay that price.   I am willing to say "accept me or reject me, this is who I am and I like who I am and I'm comfortable with who I am."    I do care what people think, and the rejection still stings, but rejection is the price for honesty.   I'm a total reject--yay me!