The Blog of auroraborealis

I've been falling apart lately.   I am angry and bitter and I can't seem to get over it.    I've thought about suicide--believe me, I've put a great deal of thought into it--and it's just not for me.    I don't have what it takes to kill myself.   Too bad.    The only alternative is to spend the rest of my days an angry, bitter, broken person.    I'm sick of trying.    Last week right after I wrote my last blog entry I went into a meeting at work and got a round of applause for solving a problem that no one else could.   But I don't care.    I like my job.   It's interesting work, nice people, but I'm having a lot of trouble getting into it.    I'm having a lot of trouble getting into anything.   Something inside me won't let me care anymore.   Fear is taking over.   

Whenever I put myself into anything, really care about something or someone, when I get burned out I get blamed.    My last job was a prime example.   I put my all into it, I worked incredible hours to get a not-ready-for-prime-time system up and running and when I fell on the floor from exhaustion it wasn't "Thanks for all your hard work" it was "We can't trust you because you're unstable."    That guy who gutted me--it was because I was a fucked up cunt for trusting him.   My ex is the same way--it's always my fault.   I'm sick of everthing being my fault.   I'm tired.   I'm very, very tired and I'm sick of putting in an enormous effort for people and then getting blamed for not putting in enough to make it work to their expectations.   People expect way, way, way too much.   And they are never, ever, ever willing to give anything in return.    I am so afraid of getting burned on my new job that I am just not getting emotionally involved.    I'm not going to get emotionally involved in anything anymore.    I'm just walling my heart off and protecting it from any future damage.    All I want for the rest of my life is to just be left alone and not be hurt anymore.