The Blog of auroraborealis

8:30 I'm fighting it with everything I've got but I'm slipping.   I almost ran a red light this morning becuase I couldn't connect with red meaning stop.   I'm trying to read things and they aren't making any sense.   My gears are really starting to slip.

Too much brutally hard work and not enough play is killing me.

But the important thing is that I am still going.   I'm eating even though it's making me feel sick and I'm at work even though all I want to do is sleep.   I'm so exhausted  I just want to lay down and sleep forever.

9:30:   I've got fuzz brain so bad I can't focus.   My stomach is upset and I feel like throwing up and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.   I've got to push through it.   I've just got to pull it together and push through it.   I've got to do it simply because it matters to me.

10:00  I just ate a Luna bar--usually they are yummy but today all I could taste was sickening sweetness.   It was hard to swallow and it's sitting in my stomach like a rock, but I've got to eat.   If I stop eating I'm just going to sink further.  I am forcing myself to get caught up on time entry.   It's taking me forever and I don't want to do it, I just want to curl up and die, but structure is important right now and I have to stay focused.   No matter what, I have to force myself to keep going.   I can't stop, I have to keep pushing.   Never give up, never give in.

10:40   I'm having an asthma attack, I'm wheezing and my chest it tight and I feel light headed in addition to everything else.   It only took me two hours this morning but I am all caught up on time entry.   I have a small sense of accomplishment and I've got to build on that.    I am going to do some final testing on a program right now and get it ready for production.    I think I can, I think I can....

11:54:   I feel like crap.   I'm exhausted.   I don't even know why I'm doing this anymore.   I just want to give up.   I don't have the strength for this anymore.   But I finished my testing.   I found and fixed some problems and it's all packaged and ready to go.   Small victories--that's all that matters right now, the small victories.   The little milestones I can mark hour by hour.   It doesn't matter if I can make it until the end of the day, it only matters if I can make it for one more hour, and I can do that much.   I've just got to keep pushing.

12:40  I'm so tense that I have this pain shooting up into my neck, down my arm and across my chest.    The last 45 minutes have been spent doing nothing.   I'm completely unfocused, totally unmotivated.   But why should that stop me?   I'm half way through the day, I've got to keep going--there are no other alternatives.  Giving up is just not an option.

1:34  I'm beyond my ability to cope.   All I want to do is to curl up in a ball and cry.   I don't even know why I do anything anymore, it just isn't worth it.   I keep going over and over in my mind all of the things I'm doing wrong--even single little tiny thing.   I'm a failure.   I'm a miserable failure.  I've failed at everything I've ever tried to do--not because I didn't get results, but because the results just never mattered.   Nothing I do ever matters.   I'm an idiot and a failure.    But I'm leaving work an hour early today and by 4:00 I'm going to be an idiot and a failure with a side of fries.   MMMmmmmm... salty, greasy fries.   It's not much, but it's the only thing I've got keeping me going right now.

2:17  Succeeding really is highly overrated.   I really have done my best--throughout my life I have done my best.    I have done my best to help people and to make the world a better place.   I honestly and truly have done my best and if that's not good enough, oh well, I can't help that.   I just need to make it through one more hour and I can do that.    After that, I'm going home and I'm going to stay in bed until Monday morning.   I haven't slept well in a few nights and I really am exhausted.   I just need to back of and give myself a break.    Come Monday morning, I'll be able to handle life with a sense of humor once again.

4:18 I'm home, I'm in my jammies and I'm headed to bed.    See ya tomorrow.