The Blog of auroraborealis

I went out for a walk last night, I walked three miles around the neighborhood.    I got up and walked for about two miles through the woods this morning.    There has been a lot of rain here lately so there was a lot of standing water and the woods were thick with mosquitos, but for some reason they left me alone.   When I'm walking is the only time I feel at peace these days, the only time I feel connected to anything.    But that's a very positive thing.  First, it's exercise and exercise will help me pull out of this.    Second, it's important that there is a time that I can feel connected, I just need to build on that in order to pull it back together.

We live in a society where self comes first--everyone is only interested in their own needs.   No one has any interest in or understanding of anyone else's situation.   Everyone around me is giving me the same message--I should only be intersted in what I want, what I need, what matters to me, that is the only thing I should care about.    But I don't have that ability.   To me, it's about family, about community.   I need a sense of family and community to feel connected but I can't have that--I have to remain completely detached.   It's the only way of evening my odds.   If everyone is playing in such a way as to increase personal gain, and I'm playing in such a way to increase community gain, all that's going to happen is what has been happening the last several years--I get sucked dry.   The only way I'm going to be able to survive is to detach from my surroundings and remain isolated.    When I'm around people I want to give, I want to care for them, that's just my personality.   It's so fundamental to who I am that I simply can't change it.      But I also can't take anymore of people just taking from me and never giving anything in return.

I don't know, I keep wondering if I would be better off dead and leaving the precious resources of this world to people who actually belong here--I just don't and I never will.