The Blog of auroraborealis

I just want out.   I'm tired and I want it to all be over, but something inside me just won't let me give up.   I have my bad days, months, even years, but I will never give up fighting.   Hope.    There's always hope and even when I have no reason to, I cling to it.    I try to kill it but it just won't go away.   I'm curious about life, I want to know what's out there.   If I have a bad situation, I want to make it better.   There's no reason for me to have hope right now.   None cares about anything I do, nothing I do makes a difference--the smart thing to do would just be to give up.   It's insanity to keep trying in the face of constant failure.    But I'm getting up again.   I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off and moving on with my life.    I do want something after all.   Actually, I want a lot of things, mostly having to do with love and a stable relationship--but that I can't do on my own.   The thing that I want that I can get on my own is knowledge.   I'm curious about the world and everything in it--a thirst for knowledge that's insatiable and keeps me going even when I don't want to.    Right now, I don't want to keep going, I want to lay down and die and just let go of everything that's hurting me, but that's just not an option.   If I die, it's all over, there will be no more opportunities to learn and grow and play in the sun.

I'm going to pull it together and come back stronger than ever.   Something's got to give and it definitely isn't going to be me.