The Blog of auroraborealis

I'm up early this morning.   I have so much on my mind I can't sleep.   The lack of sleep has been interfering with my creativity.   I haven't been sharing stories lately because I always feel that I have to try to say something worth saying, something brilliant that everyone will agree with.   The stories that I shared last night, and this blog are just stuff.    Random meaningless thoughts.    I don't care much for those.   When I write I want to have something to say, something that will make people think abou things in new ways--but we can't all have that every time, now can we?

I'm really tired, worn down from life.    I don't know how to get back up again this time.   I'm tired of getting back up just to get knocked down again.    I want something good to happen, just one thing.   It always rains shit in my life, there is just never anything good--no parties, no vacations, no warm smiles.   Just me struggling to get through.   Although I guess I shouldn't complain--good things happen to my son a lot and I would willingly sacrafice every happiness of my own so that my son can have a good life.   After all, that's what it's all about, isn't it?    My son is such a good person that he deserves every happiness.   Even at 13 he is kind and generous.   

But sometimes I get selfish.   I just want something for me, some small thing to look forward to, some random act of kindness to come my way.    I get sick of fighting the good fight for no reason.   It doesn't matter to anyone (except my son) that I am a good person, that I always give my all, that I try everyday to change the world around me for the better.   All I do is wear myself out without having any kind of an impact.   I'm a minnow trying to change the tide--what's the point?    Minnows can't change the tide, can they?   They are too small, to weak, to powerless.

So what do I want?   The answer to that question keeps coming up 'nothing' these days.    There is nothing more I want.   I am just living because I can't die.   I'll continue to do what I can to be the change I want to see in the world.   I'll give it all away until I have nothing left and then I'll just disappear.   I will have given so much of myself away that there won't be anything left, I'll just turn to dust and blow away with the wind.   I no longer care.   I think I have finally learned to want nothing, to expect nothing, to need nothing.    I am a rock, I am an island.   And a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries.