Shifting gears | auroraborealis's Blog

I'm transitioning from wanting to having.   It sounds easy, but it's not.   All my life I've wanted someone to love and cherish me, and now that I have it, I'm questioning it.    Looking for reasons it could all go wrong, asking myself "what's wrong with this picture?"   Worrying whether I will still love him in a few years.   The answer is, of course I will!!!   But it's still an uneasy feeling.    This man is such a satisfying experience.   Every day he fills me up with love.   He totally adores me and cherishs me, which I would actually find extremely annoying if I didn't feel the exact same way about him.   I plan on working at this every single day for the rest of my life.    I don't ever want to take him for granted, or get so used to being completely loved that I take it for granted.    I'm still very close to last winter, spring and summer and I still remember what it's like to feel lost and alone and without hope.    Actually, I've been on the brink of that feeling most of my life.   Being satisfied, fully satisfied in every way is such a new feeling.   It's totally unfamiliar.   It feels weird, somehow wrong.   Maybe that's why I keep looking for what's going to go wrong, just so I can get back on familiar territory.    But nothing is going to go wrong, I'm not going to let it.    I'm going to work at this relationship every day of my life.    I want happiness and satisfaction to be my new normal.

Not that life with him will be perfect, I don't expect it to be, because life never is.   It's not now.   I did, in fact, tear my achilles tendon in Alaska and I've been ignoring it and playing through the pain for a couple of months.   It got so bad last week I couldn't even put weight on my leg anymore.   I have this lovely boot that I have to wear for six to eight weeks.   The doctor said that if I keep pushing it I will tear it completely and I will have to have surgery and that will put me out of commission for a few months.    I was using crutches to get around, but I've graduated to a cane.   It still hurts a lot to put weight on it, but it's easier to use the cane to get around.

And that's SO depressing!!   I totally love this time of year.   I love being out in the woods watching the colors change.   I love cooking and baking--homemade tomato soup with freshly baked cheddar herb bread, potato cheese soup with a nice, freshly baked loaf of pumpernickle, peach cobbler, apple crisp, I love baking in the fall!!!   I'm depressed and yet, at the same time, oddly happy.

Everything worth having in life takes work.   Even though things with my Hottie are still really good, I'm still going to start getting in the habit of working at it every day to make sure they stay that way.   Happiness is my new favorite.