Waiting for the other shoe to drop | auroraborealis's Blog

I've been in a funk the last couple of days.   He's warm, sweet, kind, loving, caring, gentle, supportive--I mean, what's wrong with this picture?    I'm starting to get insecure, starting to need him, need his warmth, his love.   What happens when it all goes wrong?   What happens when I get sick and he decides I'm no longer fun and kicks me to the curb?    What happens when he discovers a flaw or imperfection that doesn't suit him, how hard will he be on me?   What happens when I don't live up to his expectations, how severely will he punish me?   I'm only human, I'm not perfect 100% of the time and I fear that the moment I'm not the walls will come crashing down around me and it will all be over.    Being insecure is making me act weird, which is making me more insecure which is making me act weirder    I'm totally stressed out right now.   I'm in a feedback loop.

I don't want him coming to my rescue, though.   I don't want to put him in the position of having to give me more love and affection to make me feel better.    I mentioned my insecurities to him yesterday, but that's all I did was mention them.   I want him to be aware, but only be aware, not fix.   He gives me more warmth, love and affection than I have ever known in my life, and I want what he offers to be enough.   I want to learn to trust that when he says he love me that he means he loves me without making him prove it.   What he does every single day is proof enough.   Demanding more from him will do no good--I have to learn to accept.    Accept that he loves me, accept that even though I'm not perfect, I'm good enough.

I don't want to put him in the position of rescuing me, though, because that's not how I want to spend my time with him.   He's light, fun, joyful.   I adore those qualities in him and even though it feels good to have someone rush to our side and try to make everything better, that only makes the problem worse, creates a negative cycle where I have to drive myself into depression in order to get him to give me that rush of love.    I don't want that.    Doing that will step all over the things I love most about him.

The fear response that I'm having right now is a part of who I am.   I'm not going to run from it, I'm not going to hide it, I'm not going to deny it,  I'm not going to fight it.   I'm going to accept that it's part of who I am at this time and not make an issue out of it.   I'm feeling insecure, big deal.   Who he is is good enough, reassuring enough, loving enough and affectionate enough and I trust him.   

Actually, that's not quite true.    Trust isn't that simple.   It's built over time.    In a relationship trust is like building a sand castle in the air where the sand is constantly flowing out the bottom and you have to keep building on top just to stay in place.   In time enough sand goes out the bottom and starts to form a foundation... and then it catches up to where you are and you finally have something to build on, but that doesn't happen overnight, it happens over time.   Long periods of time.    And what I'm going through right now is a perfectly normal part of that process.    This is how I learn to trust him.    I love him so very, very much for being the kind of man I can trust.