Reality break | auroraborealis's Blog

I've got more from my Alaska journal to share, but I need to take a reality break.   Someone recommended a movie to me last week and I just watched it.   It was a love story.  And it reminded me of why I hate love stories.   It left me feeling cold, empty and bitter.  How damaged do you have to be to have a love story leave you feeling that way?

I don't like watching love stories.    For a long time now I've believed that men only fall in love in movies, not in real life.    In real life men are too cold, to selfish, too immature, to mean to fall in love.    All of the men that I've ever loved have at best been cold and harsh, at worst brutal.

I'm resourceful, I'm strong, I'm used to being alone, do I really need a guy in my life?   I had a great time in Alaska, but it was because I WAS alone.   I was able to handle everything that came up.    I'm home now, back to reality and fear is starting to set in.    What happens the first time this guy gets angry?    What will he do to me then?   How bad will it be?    What happens when I really get attached to him and he loses interest and goes chasing after a younger skirt?

I want to believe that there is something different about this guy, but I always want to believe that.   With this guy it's that he's seen hell.    It gives me hope that maybe he will be able to get me.   Maybe he'll be more understanding.   Maybe he'll be kinder, nicer, more humane.   But what if he isn't?    Right now, I'm something I've never been before... fragile, extremely fragile.    And vulnerable.  I don't know if I should try to explain that to him and run the risk exposing my weaknesses to a total stranger and trust that he won't exploit them or if I should just run and protect myself.

I've never run from anything before.    I've always wanted to live life to the fullest, I wanted to experience everything I could, but so far all it's lead to is pain and more pain.   I don't know how much more I can take.  I feel like one more hit and I'm down for the count.    What if it's the real thing?  Do I want to risk missing out?    What if it isn't?    Do I want to gamble what little I have left?   I should be really happy at this moment but right now I just feel horribly scared, empty and alone.