Suicide is far from painless | auroraborealis's Blog

Well, I bought a gun last night and tried to kill myself.   Do you have any idea how many fricken rubber bands it takes to do the job?    I got a severe headache and had to stop.    So I decided to hang myself in my closet with a belt.    The leopard print seemed too flashy.    The pink belt was way to '80's.   I didn't think that the yellow belt would go with the blue in my face after I was dead.    Usually black is the right choice for everything, but I didn't think that the buckle made the right statement.   I would never be caught dead in a badly accessorized suicide.   I had a headache, I was exhausted so I went to bed and tried to smother myself with a pillow but I fell asleep before I could finish the job.    So here I am, yet again.

Suicide isn't the answer and I know it, but I don't know what is.    I need friends, but I'm a little much for most people.   I thought DB could handle me, but I was wrong.    I tried, I tried like hell to communicate with him.   His games were hurting me, and then I got to sick to deal with them, and so rubbed my nose in the fact that he would rather be off having fun with other people.    How is that a friend?    He said he was my friend.   How is that being a friend????   It's just typical, though.   Just typical.

I'm stuck.   I'm stuck in a horrifically painful place and I can't move.    The problem is, I know it will never get better.    I've been through this too many times with people.   It's essentially the same story over and over and over again.    It can't be everyone, so it's got to be me.   I try to be kind and good and respectful and fair to everyone I meet--and that's probably my problem.    But I refuse to change who I am, so I'll keep taking a beating for it.

Eventually I'll get up, but it's not going to be for a long, long time.   I'm just hurting too badly.    I try to pick myself up but I just collapse under it all again.    I've always known that there is a price to be paid for the way I choose to live my life, and I've always been willing to pay it.   It's just that right now I can't pay it.   I have nothing to pay with.   I'm badly hurt, I'm exhausted and there's just nothing left.   But that's no reason to give up, or is it?