Survival | auroraborealis's Blog

I'm not doing well.   I'm really not.    I forced myself to get up this morning and I forced myself to come into work.    All I'm doing is staring at the screen.   I'm giving myself 15 more minutes and then I'm going to force myself to get some work done.   I have to push myself through this.   I'm all I've got.   I'm all I've ever had and all I ever will have.   Just me.

I'm at a place I've never been before.   My value system is collapsing.   The framework that I've built is coming apart.    I've never wanted to die more than I do right now, but some inner survival instinct won't let me.    Instead, I'm starting to rebuild my value system to ensure my own survival.  

I can't be nice anymore.   I have to start treating people like the ignorant children that they are.   I have to be greedy and ruthless and not give a thought to anyone who can't further my ends.   I have to assume everyone is playing games and I have to play to win.   The only thing that can matter to me is my own happiness.    That's all I can ever hope to achieve in this life.   I'm sick of being a loser, I want to be a winner.   It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm at the very end of myself.   It's this or die.