Bad night | auroraborealis's Blog

I'm really struggling right now.   I just got back from a walk in the woods.   I can only walk a couple of miles, and I can only go out two or three times a week, but I really, really enjoy being out there so I'm just grateful to be out there at all.

The knot in my chest is gone, the pain isn't there anymore, but I'm still really, really heartbroken.    The whole time on my walk I was trying to piece together what happened.    I remember January, I remember getting very upset because he was jerking me around, and then nothing.   I have these brief flashes, I remember words, sentences, nothing at all cohesive or in any kind of order until the end of March.    March 26th.    That was the last time I had any communication with him.   It didn't go well.   Not well at all.  But between January and March, it's a black hole.   

I love him, I really love him and I lost him.    I don't know if he really didn't like me and I was going to lose him anyway, I don't know if a misunderstanding happened.    I don't know.   I will never know.    I will never know anything more than I know now.    I loved him with all my heart and I lost him and I don't even know why.

Every single day I lose him all over again and every single day it hurts just as much.    There's nothing I can do.   I have absolutely no way of communicating with him.    He's gone.   He's gone and the only thing I can do is to cry it out every day and wonder how long it will be before I can finally let go of this.