I just can't fight this feeling anymore | auroraborealis's Blog

I can't even begin to explain this to anyone, I can't even explain it to myself because it's completely irrational.

The only way I can compare it to is being a woman trapped inside a man's body.    Absolutely all of the evidence is telling you one thing and yet you know with every fiber of your being that absolutely all of the evidence is wrong.   It doesn't matter how hard you try to believe what you know to be true, you can't believe it because you know, just know, it isn't true.

What I absolutely know to be true is that DB is a good person who would never do anything to hurt me.    I can't explain what happened.    I really can't.    There's no rational basis for believing that, it flies in the face of all of the facts and yet I know it to be true.    He is a good person.

I love him and it comes from a very deep place.    I don't love him because I want to love him, or because I need to love him.   I don't love him because I'm lonely, I don't love him because I need love.    I love him because of who he is.    I really, honestly, truly love who he is and I wouldn't love him so much if he weren't a good person.    

I was reflecting the other day on Quim.    We were at the zoo and we were talking about hobbies and I told him my hobby was finding lost souls and doing what I can to pick them up, dust them off and make them feel better.    I don't even remember how he responded but it was something to the effect that I was a better person than him because he doesn't have the patience for that.   Something like that--something like, if a person was down it was their own fault and he has no pity for people like that.   I don't ever remember what it was.    But I immediately knew that he wasn't someone I wanted to know any better.    It was a very visceral thing.   I just simply couldn't have anything to do with him after that.    I knew that what he was saying was a true reflection of his character and I didn't want to be around him at all.

With DB, it's a completely different feeling.   Whatever happened between us, it wasn't a true reflection of his character.    He's a good, honorable, decent man.   I absolutely, to the core of my soul, believe that.    I don't know what happened, I probably never will, but I know he's a good person and things just went badly somehow.   I know it.    I absolutely know it.    He hasn't hurt me nearly as much as I've hurt myself trying with all my might to believe something I know isn't true.    And it's not that I want to believe it, it's that I truly do believe it.

I don't know where I go from here, I guess I just drift for a while.    I truly love him and I miss him and I'm just not ready to move on yet.    I'm not in pain anymore, I can finally accept that I love him, I really, really love him, although I can't yet accept that he's gone.    I really can't.   At this point I still feel like somehow he will be back.   I know it's irrational, but I'm not going to fight it.   I can't fight it.    It's a very, very strong feeling and I don't have the energy to fight it right now.    I'm sure it will fade over time.    I'm sure I'll let go of the feeling that he'll be back when I'm ready.    But no matter what, I will always love him.