Really, really, really bad day--Director's Cut. | auroraborealis's Blog

I'm having a really bad day, doing a lot of crying and stuff...   If you've every had a broken heart you know the drill.

I am hanging onto to this DB thing like I have never hung onto anything in my life.   My very dear friend NoraMaisieDobbsTrent just sent me a link about cutting energy cords.   I can't do it.    I absolutely can't do it.   I can't cut my connection to him.

What hurts so much about this whole situation is that I trusted him and, from where I'm sitting, it appears that it was all a big game to him.

I am depressed and I am struggling because I am devoting huge amounts of energy into trying really hard not feeling what I feel.   I am struggling with all of my might to believe, honestly, truly believe that DB was just playing games with me and that he's cold hearted and cruel.   I am devoting huge amounts of energy to it.    Huge, enormous amounts of energy.   It's taking everything I've got.   The problem is that no matter how hard I try, I'll never believe it.

What I really believe is that he's a warm, kind, loving person and that this whole thing is just an absurd misunderstanding.   I really believe that he is a genuinely wonderful person.    I know that this is a misunderstanding, I know it is.   Regardless of what he says, regardless of what he wants me to believe, I know exactly why I loved him.    And why I continue to love him.    And continue to trust him.

I don't want to cut the energy cord.    I don't want to.    I love him.    As completely absurd and irrational as this sounds--and it is absurd and irrational--I won't give up on him.    Not yet.    The only reason I can give for my absurd and irrational behavior is that I truly trust him.   It comes from a very deep place.    Cutting that energy cord would be a betrayal of that trust.

I don't need to get over this, I just need to stop putting huge amounts of energy into believing what he told me and just go with my gut.     And my gut says that even if this is irrepairably damaged and I never see him again, that's OK, I will still continue to love him.    He made me feel very bad about loving him, but I'm going to give myself permission.    Loving someone, truly loving someone isn't a crime, it isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person, it isn't a bad thing.

So DB, whereever you are, I love you, I trust you, I think that overall you are one of the most wonderful people I've ever met.

Thank you TrentMasieNoraDobbs, but I'm going to keep the cord, I'm just going to stop trying to force negative energy to flow when it's really positive energy that's keeping me bound to him.