Really, really, really bad day | auroraborealis's Blog

This should be getting easier, but it's not.   Every day it gets harder.    I went into work late today because I couldn't get out of bed, I just laid there crying.    I left work early today because I couldn't stop crying.    I keep wondering what I did to deserve the way he treated me.    I tried explaining, I tried hitting him over the head with a frying pan, in the end I was going for absurdity but he took it as threatening and called the cops on me.   Obviously he got that I was serious, and that's what I was trying to do, get through to him, but he was still laughing.   It was always just a big game to him.    I loved him, I honestly, truly loved him.   I would never, ever, ever have done anything to hurt him, but I could never, ever, ever get through to him that he was hurting me--it was all just a big game to him.    I told him how sick I was--he never once asked how I was.   I used to ask him all the time about his life, his friends, the people he worked with--he never asked me once about anything.   He didn't care.    I wasn't even human to him.   

I can't stop crying.    I just can't stop crying.    I've just had enough and I want to die.    I had a life threatening asthma attack back during the winter and I wish I had just died then.   I wish I didn't have to live through this aftermath.   It's not just him, it's all of it.    I give up.    I don't want to live anymore.

I'm not going to die.   There are seven people who actually care about me and I won't let them down, but every single day this gets harder to deal with.    I keep replaying it wondering what I did wrong--what I could have done differently to get through to him, if I could even have done anything differently to get through to him.   I'd never put that much effort into trying to get through to anyone before.   The difference is I honestly let myself believe that he cared.   My guard was down.    I honestly, truly wanted to believe in him.   I wanted to believe that he was a good person.   I left myself wide open because I wanted to trust him.    That makes all the difference.    I've been hurt before, badly hurt, but never by someone I trusted.    I didn't need for him to love me, I just needed for him to be a good enough person not to violate my trust.   

I trusted him like a child would.  I trusted him openly and completely.   He didn't care at all.   It was all just a big game to him.   

I don't know how to make this end.   I don't know how to get this pain under control.   Every single day it gets worse and I just want to die to make it end.