Somedays there just aren't enough whateevers in the world... | auroraborealis's Blog

The pain in my chest is still there, and it's still as bad as ever.   I'm heartbroken.   I'm devastated.

NoraMaisieTrentDobbs sent me a couple of books back when I was sick.    It's only been in the last few weeks that I've been getting my focus back (read: moving enough air) so that I can actually read and pay attention to what I'm reading.    The first book was an absolute delight and fit in so perfectly with what I'm feeling.    The second book, which I started last night, is making my broken heart hurt so badly.

For reasons I can't even begin to explain, the first chapter of that book just made me miss DB so badly.   I'm caught in this weird thing that I can't get out of.    I loved, honestly, truly, madly, deeply loved the person I thought he was.   But then I fall down the rabbit hole of did that person that I loved so much really even exist?   It's all so confusing.

I don't want to hang on to this, but I don't know how to let go.   Every day that I wake up my heart breaks all over again for him, the pain doesn't subside at all.    So many things I wish I could say, but I can't because they don't make any sense.    No sense at all.    What makes you fall in love with someone?   What makes it last?   

There was something about him, and I know exactly what it was, that just hit me at the core of my soul.   Every time I try to kill that love for him, I feel like I'm dying inside.

It was the familiarity.   He was very, very familiar.  I got him right away, or at least I thought I did--I thought I got him because he just seemed so familiar.   I had fun with him.   Actual, unfettered, genuine fun.   I thought he was having fun, too.   I miss that fun.   I miss it so badly.   I miss him.   I miss him very, very badly.    My heart is broken and I'm just so very, very sad.