Shades of gray | auroraborealis's Blog

I think I have finally reached the absolute end of myself.    I've hit the point where I have no more depth.    I have relinquished hope, I'm no longer going to try to live, I'm going to accept existing for a while.

I'm completely devastated.   I don't have it in me to push anymore, I don't have it in me to try and accomplish anything anymore, it will only end in complete failure like all of the times before.    There is nothing in life worth devoting any energy to, might as well just float along until my time runs out.

Right now my major project is to inject a huge degree of sameness into my life.   I'm setting up a rigid schedule so that everything is done at the same time every day, day after day.   The same food is eaten, the same clothes are worn, everything is the same.    The routine becomes a meditation, and it provides comfort and security.

Something happened earlier this evening to break me out of the sameness and now I can't sleep.   I've been up for three hours.    As soon as the morning comes I will have put it behind me and moved back into my steady routine.   

I'm not going to be in touch with anyone until I'm more entrenched in my routine.   Until it becomes unshakable.    I've become worn so thin that I find every intrusion from the outside world to be upsetting.    I am too weak right now to be constantly facing my failures.    I'll leave that for a later date when I'm better rested.    For now, all I can say is I'm sorry there isn't more of me.   I'm sorry I couldn't go the distance.    I'm sorry for letting everyone down.   I'm sorry.